.::. Frustrated Girl Scout .::.
ramblings of a neurotic, semi-masochistic, presently sullen bitch.

:: Tuesday, August 10, 2004 ::

i obviously haven't been in the mood to write lately. i'm just so tired, sleepless and too bored to write anything worth posting (as if all my past entries were of substance).

right now, there are no stories to tell, no actions to defend and no fuck-ups to laugh at. actually, i'm still licking my wounds after a disaster of a night-out last friday. i haven't blacked-out like that in a long time. how bad was it? so much so that the officemates i was with, when they'd see me at work, all ask me, "so how are you na? you were sooo wasted, ha!" *cringe, cringe*

aside from that, i have settled into a somewhat steady routine that leaves little room for adventure. there's work from thursdays to mondays, which is so blah that i'll spare you the (non-existent) details. of course, i've racked up enough attendance warnings.. sometimes i think that the only reason why they haven't fired me yet is that i liven things up in that horribly dead place. then during tuesdays, i wake up at 1pm, watch Queer Eye (this is the only time i get to catch it) and eventually hit the gym for Body Jam. and wednesdays are for meeting up with friends i rarely see. whatever happened to my party nights? well i have "Payday Friday", which is so yuppie i'll have to hang myself) but everything else is one big whatever, wherever, whenever.

truth to be told, i'm tired of the whole gimik-scenario. you know, go to greenbelt, see people you never see in daylight, get free drinks, meet more people who will be reduced to phonebook entries, get more drinks, move to Vbar (or wherever you prefer to wait for sunrise), finally get sloshed and haul your ass home (or hook up with someone, depending on how few social atrocities you've committed that night).

it's pointless and tiring.

i still think it's fun when i get on mindless-mode but not every darn time i set foot on ayala land, for crying out loud. don't tell me to go somewhere different. malate mocks me with its display of fabulous and gorgeous gay men (one of which is my Body Jam crush). anywhere else is just too far. these days, i'm happy having dinner with my good friends then grabbing a drink or two afterwards.

i never thought i'd admit it, but there's something to be said about going home before the sun rises and plopping on my bed to watch a DVD (or replays of the trashy 5th wheel or blind date). refreshing alternative to messing around in a bar/club, slipping all over the place and flirting with men you'll never recognize under the glare of cruel daylight.

am i feeling old? yes. and though that won't stop me from partying anytime soon, i'd rather lie down and hook up with a good book nowadays. no, really.

* * *

after depriving myself of the pirated copies of the final season, i will finally be rewarded by HBO, for they will start airing the 6th season of on Aug 17, next tuesday already! i'm soo glad i don't have work on tuesday nights. but then, maybe i chose to be off on that particular day because deep down, i was really waiting for SATC tuesdays to come back.

*bliss*



:: 5:00 AM [+]

::
...

...streSSS...

i've been up for almost 24 hours now. i'm too tired and it's too hot to sleep. that doesn't make sense, but neither does this day. see, after my shift, i went home to have breakfast and to freshen up, then i rode a jefney to my former office to demand the remainder of my back-pay from the accounting department. you know what they told me?

"nakuuu.. wala ang ummaasikaso ng pera mo dito, nagkasakit kasi. balik ka na lang ng alas-siyete ng umaga bukas, baka nandito na siya."

well. some of us have to sleep too, you unreliable ditzes.

and theeen, i took another jefney to go to the SSS office along buendia. traffic. sweltering heat. stinky co-passengers. lovely. the lines inside the SSS were ridiculously long so i went up to a teller(?) who was just sifting mindlessly through some forms.

me: "uh, excuse.."
SSS biatch (interrupting me rudely, not even looking up): sa kabila!
me: ang panget mo! (of course, she didn't hear this)

me (after 10 minutes of lining up at another counter): how can i request for a copy of my E1?
SSS fag: hindi pwede.
me (after 10 seconds of staring at him, waiting for an explanation that never came): uh.. nawala ko po kasi yung sa akin, kailangan ko lang po ng kopya para sa trabaho ko.
SSS fag: hindi nga pwede.
me (in a polite, but strained voice): eh anong gagawin ko?
SSS fag (sighs exasperatedly, as if i've been losing E1 forms all my life): punta ka sa head office namin.
me: saan?
SSS fag (with a look that said "tangina, gaano ka ba katanga?!"): quezon ave.
me: hu-waaat?! hindi ba pwedeng..
SSS fag (interrupting me.. what is wrong with these people?): pumunta ka na lang doon, okay?
me: ayoko nga! (of course, he didn't hear this, either)

pissed off, i smoked outside the building. then i saw a woman who just got off a cab and was almost dragged along the street by the same vehicle because the driver started to drive away without noticing that she was still holding on to the door. the rear wheel scratched her stockings, too.

pareho kaming STRESS sa SSS.

* * *

on an ever darker side of things, i've been having disturbing dreams lately. from a fetus to being engaged to a man who loves me too much to the point of desperation. but the one from the other night (or day, dammit) is one mother-effing mindjob.

i dreamt that i was one of the few people (i have NO IDEA why) remaining in the world and i had something that God needed and the devil wanted (don't ask, i can't remember). so the devil, being the impatient and greedy bastard that it is, "kidnapped" me and took me to its, well, hellhole. i was surprised (okay, not really)to see some people i knew there. i was even more surprised that some of the people i knew were the relatively do-gooder types. like, "oh my gosh, if this person deserves to be in hell, then only those who are cannonized are worthy of spending eternity in the clouds."

the weird thing is (as if the whole thing wasn't weird enough already), everyone was either talking amongst themselves, playing sports, or listening to musicians. there wasn't a sign of anyone in agony, no murmurs of anyone in pain. i asked the devil about this and it said something like "heaven and hell aren't really what the living perceives it to be. both are cool in their own way. and i don't see the point of tormenting souls for the rest of MY unending life." and it even told me that they have a set hour during the day when everyone would pretend that they're being tortured, just to "uphold hell's reputation". i questioned it again and it replied "you see, when people die, God and i choose who we want to stay in our homes. it's a little like choosing teammates for little league. that simple. nobody has to be philosophical about it. we're not."

so much for having a good sleep. the devil's playing tricks on me again.


:: 11:30 PM [+]

::
...

so i hauled my lazy, lethargic self out of the house to get an NBI clearance. my dad dropped me off at the NBI office along taft avenue.. as impervious as i am to the fact that since february, application for the clearance is along carriedo! where in the world is that, anyway?! i know, i know, it's somewhere in santa cruz, a couple of LRT stations away, pero shet, na-stress na ako. all these required forms and chorva for my job is getting to be such a bitch. and i'm not even done with my physical exam yet! really, how can i muster the drive to go back there when the doctor with the stethoscope who checked on my breathing commented, "ang liit ng bewang mo, ah."

*shudders*

i guess i'm sort of missing my old company where you can be a criminal or addict or both and still earn a decent and legit living.

it's too hot to friggin move.

i wonder if i can get my errands done in time for an early evening drink with esay later.

punyeta. nag-uumpisa pa lang ang araw ko, pagod na ako.

* * *

i miss my bum-hood days. fine, i need the money and i really should quit ranting about all these things, but i just can't help but yearn for the recent months when i was free to do what i wanted (most of the time, anyway). so here's a sort-of tribute to the almost-3 months of being unemployed, kaladkaran and very much happy.



top: catching the sunset, a kamikaze in hand in boracay. bottom: at white beach, puerto galore(!) with my best friend, mel



top:with constant party buddies joel and esay in baguio. bottom: with joel, jan and esay, getting drunk on tapuy in vocas along session road

* * *

the sacrifice i made for holy week? BIG. i'm sacrificing my whole summer for this job. but i'm still seriously considering going to work late on the one night Maksim will be having a concert at the CCP.

who wants to join me?
:: 8:37 PM [+]

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New York
:: 1:50 AM [+]

::
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All the pretty lights distract..
:: 2:23 AM [+]

::
...

Tomorrow is the birthday of a guy who i shall call "bugaw ng bayan" for obvious reasons. I, along with 3 other girlfriends, was at his party last year. It made such an impact that whenever we talk about it, we end up shaking our heads and saying, "tangina talaga ni (insert name of bugaw ng bayan here)!"

The most succesful parties are those where everyone goes home drunk and a lot of lives are changed forever.

God knows how it affected me and my friends, and consequently, the people around us. That's why we can't wait to attend tomorrow night's bash.

I can't believe it's been a year. So many changes, goings-on, love affairs, heartbreaks, lessons, challenges.. Not to mention parties, haha.. All crammed into 365 days. Time goes by so fast when you're sleeping off exhaustion from work, pseudo-depression and hangovers.

I guess it's odd that i measured the past year with that party as a basis. But for all that's happened because of it, it's understandable that i do.

And i'm sure that at least 6 people would agree with me on this one. let's see what tomorro night brings, shall we?
:: 7:30 AM [+]

::
...

I am Chocolate Flavoured. I am sweet and a little bit naughty. I am one of the few clinically proven aphrodisiacs. Sometimes I can seem a little hard, but show warmth and I soon melt. What Flavour Are You?

* * *

it's been ages since i last updated this one. i've been pouring my thoughts more into my livejournal, unfortunately. anyway, it's much easier to post there.

so how am i? i'm tired. thirsty (for a lot of things!). sleepy. restless. oh, and jobless. finally resigned from being a phone monkey. don't press me for reasons, i don't have logical ones. it's 2004 and i feel older than i am. a friend and i were talking the other night, something like "2003: a year in review" kind of thing. afterwards, we couldn't believe that we've been through all of that and we don't seem as if we're slowing down.

it's a bit scary, i gotta admit. but hey, it sounds like loads of fun too!

*sighs* some things will never change.
:: 11:49 PM [+]

::
...

am i an alcoholic yet? i suppose as long as i can sleep without "needing" to have a drink or two, i'm still on the normal side. whatever that means.

another saturday night spent outside. i haven't been gone 15 minutes from my house when my mom texted me, practically begging me to be home by 3 am. i really DID try. instead, i ended up in halo again after doing the semi-mandatory rounds in greenbelt. of course, alcohol got a better part of me. but i won't elaborate on that. too boring. haha.

dammit, i hate how i'm getting used to seeing him everytime i go out. and what's with this drama of me waking him up so we could leave the place together? what is up with me???

he dropped me off at my place where my brother was waiting already. it was already a few inches away from 6 am. my mom opened the door, shook her head and went back to their room. i crashed on the bed, only to be rudely awakened at 11 for lunch.

i looked down beside my bed and saw a bottle of mule. ho-ho. i shook it, then after finding out that it still had a little left, i finished it.

alcoholic. everyone's sweetheart, the drunk.

* * *

he held my hand last night.

"bakit kasi ayaw mo mag-boyfriend?"

"now's not a good time for me. i'd really rather not talk about it. besides, men are such assholes."

"you mean, all guys have assholes."

"uh, that too."

i wish he'd let go of my hand. i'm sorta glad he didn't. not for the next 20 minutes, anyway.

* * *

took a time off from work yet again last night. joel eventually got me from the office and along with other LJ people, went to his place. and yeah, drank. not to the point of drunkenness, though. just sunrise.

had a blast just chilling out and spending just a measly hundred for a slight buzz. i envy the view from his balcony. i envy his sky. i envy his independence. potah, inggetera talaga.

it's always great fun to talk to someone who's known you for so long. you don't have to fill each other in on the things you're talking about. most likely, he knows the shit you got yourself into and the shit you're still getting yourself into. comfort in old friends.

all of us came upon a sort-of conclusion last night: is a song "doomed" to be succesful just because it features Justin Timberlake? hmm. just a thought. as joel said "Vanessa del Bianco can't sing featuring Justin Timberlake... wagi!"

have a lovely week, people.




:: 11:03 PM [+]

::
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caught in the act.. of ditching work.


:: 11:45 PM [+]

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HOW CAN YOU NOT DROOL OVER THIS GUY???
:: 1:38 AM [+]

::
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the last week, i read "the five people you meet in heaven" by mitch albom and watched "under the tuscan sun" starring diane lane. i recommend both of them, especially if you're in a feeling-lost, feeling-forsaken mode. not that i am (not really), but the book and the movie is so feel-good that they just have to be shared.

the movie made me all the more desperate to go to italy. it made me want to ditch my french classes and switch to italian instead (why not?). it made me want to have "a beautiful affair" with an italian hunk. it made me want to save up enough (this should be a HELLUVA LOT) of money to buy my own villa in tuscany. it made me want to change my life.

the book, simply put, moved me. it gave me hope. it made me cry. it made me want to understand my life. it made me think of the people who've come before and who will come later and the consequences and effects we have caused and will cause each other. it made me smile.

see/read for yourself. you won't be disappointed.

* * *

i was hanging out the other morning with someone i shall call the shaolin monk/last of the mohican/rastaman. he's an officemate and lately we've been spending lunch together often enough to elicit whispers among the rumor-hungry people from work. anyway, he mentioned that he was craving strawberry waffles. after my shift, i went to starbucks and bought him some. i gave it to him while he was taking calls and the surprised look on his face was "thank you" enough for me. the next morning, he gave me a copy of the Roswell soundtrack, an album i've been looking for for the longest time.

my friends know that i don't casually give guys "gifts" when i do, it's special. not that he's special in a kilig way, but he's been good to me. no bullshit. and he's one of the more real people i've met at work.

give and you shall receive. lovely.

* * *

this artist i'm "getting to know" (yuck, how showbiz!) went up to baguio for the art congress. he's going to give a speech so apparently, he's more respected than i thought. and dammit, that made me even more interested.

he's 33 years old.

and dare i say it, i can't wait to see him again. especially his pad. and he wants to see me again, too.

buti pa siya. nasaan na yung hinahanap ko???

bitter ito.
:: 6:09 PM [+]

::
...

Putangina shet. I'm here in the office's 'lung center', smoking away my lunch break. I'm hungry but there's no food and anyway, i'm on a 'starvation diet' of sorts. I'm sleepy but there was no room in the rec-room for me to squeeze into. I'm pissed because most of my callers were asking for either movie times and pizza, stuff i wish i was busy with.

Hungry, sleepy and pissed-off. Not to mention cold. What a way to start the week.

Shopping would be a lovely therapy. Nevermind if my money's running out. I need more shoes.

* * *

Lately, i've been on a crying mood. Too bad it stops with the mood. I wish i was one of the people who have an easy time crying. I sense that would bring me relief, if only temporary. It's hard to be hurting when there's no easy way to let it out.

Maybe i could sleep it away, the way i used to.

* * *

Words of semi-wisdom from my boss: "Don't get mad, get even." words i've heard before, words i followed once or twice but never really enjoyed.

Hay nako, what to do..
:: 8:12 PM [+]

::
...

Team...LOG-OUT!!!

those are probably the most common words i hear from my boss nowadays. now that we switched to the UK market that's not yet fully developed, we spend more time "doing drills", "barging into calls", "reviewing the market and common listings"... in short, for the past two weeks, the company has been paying us to do nothing.

what a lovely way to earn money.

shopping na ito.

* * *

our scheduled was changed to the mid-shift which means i now get off at midnight. it's every gimikero's dream schedule because this way, the party's just starting by the time you clock out and you don't even have to wake up until noon.

god knows i have been taking advantage of the situation. of course, that totally backfired. i was throwing up for three hourse straight while at work yesterday and i suspect it's from fatigue, alcohol and whatever bad thing i'm inflicting on my body.

am i learning yet???

* * *

my phone, which is a pocket PC, crashed recently... literally and figuratively. i dropped it while on my yosi break and it didn't turn on until i charged it at home. then i found out that EVERYTHING was deleted. oddly, even those i made hard copies of. ALL the picture, mp3s, word documents and (insert scream of anguish here) CONTACTS.

i had to drag my lazy ass to mobile1 to remedy that foul-up. even though most of the programs i had before have been re-installed, i still miss the previous contents of my phone and i haven't finished organizing my contact list. what a bitch that chore is.

suddenly, i miss my 7110.

* * *

it's really september! my birthday month (hint, hint). in a few weeks, i'll be 22 (going on 45?). party time.

so no, i'm not learning yet.

* * *

:: 11:11 AM [+]

::
...

the bad-karma committee of fate is having a field day with me this week. after complaining on how i don't get drunk anymore, i got the flu. it was followed by some allergy attack on my skin, which is weird because i'm not allergic to anything (not that i know of and PLEASE! TOUCH ANYTHING BUT MY SKIN!). i now have a slight cold and remnants of a sore throat.

and just yesterday, i found out that an anonymous and most-probably-bored-if-not-pissed-at-me soul changed the password to my Yahoo! e-mail. i had that account for over 5 years, for godssakes. i don't get it. i'm pissed. i felt like i was capable of doing physical harm to whoever did it. bad karma it is, then. i wonder if it's just starting... good luuuck.

* * *

i'm now speechless. i was thinking of giving my piece about the coup d'etat attempt but that's been done to death. i just want to say that i was deeply saddened. i hope those soldiers aren't on their way to the mountains, although i'm sure that the NPA are hungry for their alliance, if not all-out "brotherhood". hmm.. i'm reminded of my UP days.. dare i say that i miss school? gawd. let's not even go there.

* * *

saw this survey thing from someone's blog.. quite interesting, really. and being the survey fanatic that i am, i filled it up. here it is:

If I were a day of the week I would be: friday.. time to par-tay.
If I were a time of day I would be: 11:11
If I were a planet I would be: mercury.
If I were a sea animal I would be: a mermaid.. nothing more but an illusion.
If I were a direction I would be: South.
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a couch made for crashing on to.
If I were a sin I would be: lust
If I were a historical figure I would be: whoever causes empires to fall and the best-laid plans to fuck up.
If I were a liquid I would be: morning dew.
If I were a stone, I would be: stone + d=______
If I were a tree, I would be: something that's been on this earth for centuries.
If I were a bird, I would be: flying away from here.
If I were a tool, I would be: the hammer that Gee used to hit her ex-boyfriend with. asshole.
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: the flower in the glass case in "The Little Prince"
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: slightly cloudy with a mild breeze.
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: the goddess whose name can't be said aloud nor remembered.
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: norah jones' voice and moby's turntable.
If I were an animal, I would be: a highly-evolved human being.
If I were a color, I would be: every color you see during a sunset.
If I were an emotion, I would be: hopelesly hopeful.
If I were a vegetable, I would be: a tomato.
If I were a sound, I would be: silence. or white noise. take yer pick.
If I were an element, I would be: air.
If I were a car, I would be: the getaway car
If I were a song, I would be: "Algebra"/ "Love Song for a Vampire"
If I were a movie, I would be directed by: whoever makes my cosmopolitan.
If I were a book, I would be written by: Paulo Coelho. or Carrie Bradshaw.
If I were a food, I would be: something you can't get enough of.
If I were a place, I would be: where you go when you dream.
If I were a material, I would be: raw material.
If I were a taste, I would be: acquired taste.
If I were a scent, I would be: wildflowers.
If I were a religion, I would be: not taken seriously.. but who knows, i MIGHT actually make some sense.
If I were a word, I would be: asoler
If I were an object, I would be: i'll choose 2: pen and paper.
If I were a body part I would be: skin
If I were a facial expression I would be: observant.
If I were a subject in school I would be: anything Psych.
If I were a cartoon character I would be: aeon flux.
If I were a shape I would be a: crescent. moon.
If I were a number I would be: 11.

:: 3:53 AM [+]

::
...

what is the meeeaning of this F4 madness??? right this very second, my youngest brother and baby sister are watching a music video of one of the members. both of them are singing along, as if they understand what they're singing about.

don't get me wrong, i respect other people's opinions, but this latest craze is just mind-boggling and unfortunately hard to ignore since the 4 dudes' faces and music are all over the damn city.

makes me thankful that i'm asleep most of the day and i spend the whole night in the isolated "What city and state please?"-world that is my office.

* * *

the office has become more bearable. now that i'm used to the 'work', shift and people. now that i'm able to perk myself up wih my 2 eye-candies. "c'mon c'mon, pudding pie". now that mornings are activity-filled, whether it be in the form of breakfast, post-shift drinks, french class (oui! c'est vrai!) or crashing at a friend's place.

life's not as boring now.

on the flip side, i can't help but notice the very-amusing understated atmosphere at work. correct me if i'm wrong, but it seems to be that the air in the office is somewhat sexually-charged. nothing torrid, i could even compare it to high school.

you know the scene... guys and girls (it doesn't help that most of us are in our early 20s) seeing each other 5 times a week... a lot of them are fairly good-looking... the mixture of boredom and the urge to break the monotony of our protocols... and there you go. 2 floors of people with crushes on each other, and then some. it's funny. it's ridiculous. i can't help but giggle, because i'm also a part of it. seems as if the pasttime of the people around me is mag-bugawan. gag me now.

* * *

...to the wounds that never heal...

twas his birthday last sunday and i'm only sorry i wasn't there with him, wherever he was.

for the person who showed me kindness. for the person who respected me and i respect as well. for the person who's still my sunshine. for his poetry and songs. for his honesty and how he encouraged me to be more vocal of what i feel.

for the guy i still love and am in love with. no matter what the obstacles are that hinder us from being.

wherever he is, here i remain.

...to the light at the end of the tunnel...
:: 2:54 AM [+]

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